Friday, April 8, 2011

L'appel du vide. Get ready to jump.

L'appel du vide is the French term translating to "the call of the void". More often than not it's used to convey a deep urge and desire to jump or leap from high places. I'm standing at the top of this clock tower, now in shambles, and I'm about to leap.

I've been touched with a madness of a dire lack of sleep. Yes. That's the excuse I'll use for this.

I find myself nostalgic. Do you remember that one hit wonder song "Hey, Leonardo" from the 90's? You know, "She likes me for me, not because . . ." That was my catalyst. Once upon a time I had many friends. Were they really friends? I guess that's not up for you or I to determine. Well, I wonder if I had ever come across a friend who liked me for me and not what I could do for them. I tend to enable. I tend to have too much compassion. Or at least I did. Am I there because you like to talk to me, or do you think you can get something from me?

When I was still a teenager I had engaged in what was ultimately my first serious relationship. It was an on-again off-again thing for years, and he lived miles away. He's still in my life, but not in the way he used to be. We seem to understand each other and no matter how hard we try, our paths cross. We're woven together like an abomination of a double helix. And I'm comfortable with that. I know he's not going anywhere. But that's a story for a different time.

I had engaged in another relationship with another person. For the sake of avoiding confusion, let's call him Jealousy. Jealousy and I were engaged at one point. Our relationship as lovers was viral. We didn't just burn that bridge. We blew it straight the fuck up. We were spiteful creatures, and despite our ages we were children. At times I felt he kept me because he might have cared. At other times I felt he kept me because I had steady income. He was able to control me. He was the first to control and mold me in to what he wanted me to be. After a while I was defiant. And don't get me wrong. I did my fair share of bad things to him. Things I'm not proud of. Things that nothing could justify. But I was no where near the worst to him. For some reason, I cared a great deal. Even after we had split for the final time and I had left state I still sent him money and tried to take care of him. And in time he and I became somewhat friends again. But we'll never be what we were. Now that my use has been exhausted, we're barely in contact.

After Jealousy was Anger. Anger and I never planned on dating. We were just going to be fuck buddies. We were two crazy individuals who wanted to get drunk and screw. We often partied like it was our funeral and we didn't care. We fell apart when we had to become responsible. Nobody wants to leave Neverland. We were both looking to escape, and I was an escape artist at this point. Did he love me? Maybe. You know, at some point. Possibly before he tried to stab me with a broken sword and caused me to miscarry. He could have also been using me for a multitude of things. I had connections he couldn't dream of. I always had drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol despite being broke. I always knew who threw parties and how to get in. I learned from Jealousy.  Anger and I drifted after he was kicked out of college. I had him crash with my friends. I crashed with him. Eventually we crashed with strangers. Strangers that I'm sure never cared about anything outside of what I could do for them. I had a lot of friends that were Strangers in that sense. Strangers are not to be confused with strangers. They saw me as income. They saw me as a steady flow of food, drugs, cigarettes, and household services. In short, I cooked, cleaned, and babysat the children full time. Little did we know, we were dying and transforming. We weren't falling in love. We fell apart in a whirl of lava, flame, and death. In short, we don't talk.

After Anger was Sloth. I had known Sloth for years. I figured it would be different with Sloth because of this. But it was a repeat of Anger. I was used more than a Playboy centerfold and a box of tissues. I knew but I didn't care much. I had accepted it as common. After a while I had moved out of that cycle of my life. I was tired of being a babysitter. I was tired of lies and infidelity. I was tired of sacrificing happiness for comfort. So I left state and met Pride.

Pride was short lived. It's not that we were long lasted or that anyone did anything wrong. We just clashed. He wanted a compliant housewife and I wanted to experience the world. Breaking up was the best that could have happened for us.

After Pride was Lust. Lust brought me back to the East Coast. But that's a story for another time. I fear I'll get side tracked.

I suppose I should get to the point. I've come to realize that I chase that which I never had, and in turn I burn bridges. Sure, the bridges light my way, but I can't help but wonder what if. What if I never left town. What if I never came across certain Strangers or ex-lovers. What if I never got pregnant? What if I never let Jealousy hut me? What if I knew what home felt like? What am I running to? More so, what am I running from? Why do I always fall to escaping? It's not like life is that bad for me. I have it a lot better than most. Does any of this matter? Do I? Do we? Do any of us? Will anybody remember? Were we ever important? Did I make a difference in helping, or did I just hinder? Was I just a catalyst? Why do I get all nostalgic about it? It's like a half consumed canvas coated in layers of wet and dry paint. I can see what I want. But do I want it? Does anyone know that I would gladly stay an after thought if it meant that something good came from my interjection in to their soap operas? Am I capable of that level of importance? I don't plan on changing the whole world over night but I do hope that my being here has at least helped someone, even if it's years down the road. Even if it's someone I've never met.

Holy shit. I started this somewhere around 3 hours ago. It might be just a tad passed my bed time.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

In (almost) 24 Years Of Life I've Learned...

-You can’t change other people, and it’s not polite to try. While people can influence you, they can't change you. You change you. They're only a catalyst.
-It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place. On that ame notion, NEVER EAT A WHOPPER WITH 7 PATTIES.
-If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do. Talking out your ass just makes you look like an idiot.
-You don't need fancy things for happiness. Dice and paper work just as well as video games.
-Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly. Don't waste tie beating around the bush.
-Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.
-Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.
-If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
-Yelling always makes things worse. You know that phrase "speak softly and carry a large stick"? There's some method to that.
-Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you. Other people's opinions really don't matter.
-Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it. Deal with it and quit blaming others.
-You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
-If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.
-Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.
-Nobody has it all figured out. Those who claim to lie.
-Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
-Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
-Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.
-Hell is a bus terminal in Kansas City, Missouri.
-People embellish everything, as a rule.
-Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even moreso.
-Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive. And we do it like we're getting paid for it. That's a damn shame.
-When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see. Everybody has a tell.
-There's a silver lining in just about everything. It can always get worse.
-An end to a relationship does not mean your world stops spining.
-Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
-Credit card debt devours souls.
-Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what’s going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.
-Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see. Try different angles.
-A person who is unafraid to present a candid version of herself to the world is as rare as diamonds.
-The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people. This tops Facebook addictions. Both, by the way, need rehab groups.
-If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
-The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language. Don't let it die.
-Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.
-Everyone you meet is better than you at something.
-Being pregnant is far more frightening then the thought of delivery. On a similar notion... giving birth feels like you're pooping. Nobody tells you that in the movies.
-Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own. After all, there are no facts. Only interpertations.
-Knowledge is belief, nothing more.
-Don't lie to women. Women are patient and have a nea-phoographic memory hen it comes to pain.
-Indulging your desires is not self-love.
-What makes human beings different from animals is that animals can be themselves with ease. They live in the moment. They know genuine happiness. I learned a lot from my dogs.
-Self-examination is the only path out of misery.
-Whoever you are, you will die. To know and understand that means you are alive.
-Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible. But that won't stop anybody from getting it.
-Everything done for love goes beyond good and evil.
-Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes and facepalm. But the wisdom is still in there.
-Marijuana should be legal, but smoking pot is pointless.
-High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.
-The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic and watched the Discovery channel.
-If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.
-Not everybody is going to like you.
-Emotions exist to make us strongly biased towards or against something. This hinders as often as it helps.
-Addiction is a much greater problem in society than it’s made out to be. It’s present in every person in various forms, but usually we call it something else.
-“Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
-Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you, like it or not.
-Everyone thinks they’re an above average driver. Chances are you're very bad at using a motor vehicle.
-The urge to punish others has much more to do with venting frustration than correcting behavior.
-By default, people think far too much.
-If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.
-There is nothing worse than having no friends.
-To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence. Almost everyone has a valuable use.
-Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.
-A casual stroll through your local nut house shows that faith proves very little. But sometimes people need that little bit of faith because it's all they have. Don't shit on that.
-Kids will usually understand exactly what you mean if you keep it to one or two short sentences. They're not dumb.
-Stuff that’s on sale usually has an annoying downside.
-Casual swearing makes people sound dumb. And I'm alright with sounding dumb from time to time.
-Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life and one compliment can change the rotation of their world.
-It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.
-Most of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose. Be careful.
-The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts. Or mayo.
-It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first. I used to hate vegetables. Now I want a carrot.
-If you're constantly gay bashing, if you're marching down the street with a sign that says GOD HATES FAGS then you're more than likely so deep in the closet you're finding Chistmas gifts in Narnia.
-Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.
-North Americans are generally terrible at accepting compliments and offers of help.
-When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.
-A pinky swear is kind of like a legally binding contract. When it boils down, all you really have is your word.
-A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.
-You can’t hide a bad mood from people who know you well, but you can always be polite.
-Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family. It sucks, but it happens.
-Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
-There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.
-Firefly wasnt the best tv show ever made but it makes a damn good story.
-There is no correlation between the price of a brand of batteries and how long they last.
-Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.
-Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors.
-Some people are meant to stay in your life for a long time. Others are just passing by. Don't try to hold on to everyone.
-One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips or allow them to travel. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.
-Withou music life would be a terrible mistake.
-Einstein was wiser than he was intelligent, and he was a genius. And no matter how you spin it the man had AWESOME HAIR!
-When you’re sick of your own life, that’s a good time to pick up a book. Better yet, write one.
-Date somebody who reads. Trust me.
-Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself. Don't wish. Do.
-The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change.
-Killing time should be a crime. It's priceless and you never get it back.
-If you've never listened to Gimmie Shelter by The Rolling Stones, Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash, Country Feedback by REM, or My Body is a Cage by The Arcade Fire then I heavily suggest doing so They give great insight on what it's like to be human. Same with Lives by Modest Mouse.
-The world is quietly asking everyone to get their shit together.
-Natural disasters happen. It comes with living in the region. If you hate snow then you probably shouldn't live in Buffalo.
-You need to put yourself first. This is not being selfish. But nobody will ever do it for you. Not unless you do it first.
-Arguing all the time? Unable to agree? Constant struggle in the relationship? Gettig married won't fix that. It just makes it more expensive to break up.
-Nothing quite wakes you up like hearing a large man scream "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" to the tune of a wicked drum beat.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

30 Days 30 Pictures: Day 11

Day 11: Something you hate

Yeah. Jersey Shore. As if reality television wasn't bad enough, this show alone is probably the worst of the worst. If everyone from New Jersey acts like this then I have no doubt in my mind that New Jersey is actually the Catholic Hell. The cast from Jersey Shore should honestly be ashamed to be alive. I mean seriously, who needs to call themselves "The Situation"? More importantly, what kind of invalid says "The situation is gonna be indescribable you can't even describe the situation that you're about to get in to the situation." Because, you know, spray tan, three gallons of hair gel mixed with chicken grease, and that stupid hair cut didn't make you look like a big enough douchebag. And in the first season Vinnie got pink eye. Do you know HOW people get pink eye?! It comes from shit. Shit in the eye. Shit in the eye that goes unclean. Most adults don't get pink eye because they actually know how to bathe. Good luck getting laid, you filthy jerk. Snooki just looks like she needs to get back in the candy factory. I really hope she isn't going to sing. On second thought I don't want her near anything edible. It'll just go straight to her ass and offset the Earth's gravitational pull. 

Monday, January 10, 2011

30 Days 30 Pictures: Day 10

Day 10: A photo of the person you do the most messed up things with

Who ran around with me as I mocked all of the people who made fun of all of our friends?
Who hung out with me after school as we pretended to be cooler than the cool kids?
Who had me dye her hair pink? (as seen above from over a year ago)
Who would sneak me in to the JCC dorm rooms all the time?
Who got in my car and got lost in Canada with me?
Who got stuck with me with border patrol when they decided to search my car? You know, because I'm totally going to smuggle valuables from Canada >.> (By the by, dear Canadian Border Patrol, you totally missed the bottle of wine that was mostly gone in the back seat, the swords in the trunk, and all of my dag weapons that were in plain sight. Not to mention you ignored my ketchup flavored potato chips. You fail.)

That'd be Amy. We tend to go on some wacky adventures. When I get back East there shall be more adventures. Just, you know, baby friendly ones. Babies tend to not be too cool with the super crazy antics. 

Sunday, January 9, 2011

30 Days 30 Pictures: Day 9

Day 9: A photo of someone who got you through the most

Once upon a time back when I was younger I met a lot of people over the internet. Melissa was one of them. However, I can't exactly remember how we met. I know it led to me being a fan of her webcomics and buying her books in book form to share them with the population of the 716 area code (anybody remember Eternal Wings?) Now, as a reformed goth kid I can inform you that I'm capable of being very broody and angsty. Usually far before I even get close to talking to you, I've already talked to Melissa and she's already made me feel better. When our powers combine, we form one hell of a bra burning femme nazi. She usually makes me laugh when we talk about getting all stabby. I'm also pretty sure she has half of my music collection from 10 years ago on her hard drive still. I usually make unofficial sound tracks for her characters. 


At any rate, she's been keeping me from killing you fucks since around middle school. You should thank her personally by buying a skirt from her store. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

30 Days 30 Pictures: Day 8

Day 8: A photo that makes you laugh

Oh, Gandalf/Magneto. You're a gay man after my own heart...

Friday, January 7, 2011

30 Days 30 Pictures: Day 7

Day 7: A photo of your most treasured item

This is my sock monkey. So far his name is just sock monkey. He probably won't get a name for a couple of months. When I delivered Dawson, Emmy and Kortney gave me this sock monkey. Emmy also gave me matching slipper socks. I've almost always had a thing for monkeys. I have a secret collection of them among my things in New York. Oh, fudge! Now it's not really much of a secret. Aside from the time that I haven't slept at home I've slept with this creature every night. He finds himself wedged between my face and the pillow. I'm pretty sure he's going to permanently smell like my shampoo and body wash.